Hello my name is Mary and I do not like being alone. For the longest time, I felt like that was a weakness or something to deny, but I can’t help myself, it’s who I am! There is a very thin line in which you decide whether you can be proud of something or whether it is just best to deny it. How do we truly decide? How do we know when it’s fine to say, yes this is who I am? Is there ever a deciding factor in our life, or an a-ha moment in which we say that we cannot change how we feel? Does it involve that much? I can’t really say but I do know what I enjoy, which is being around someone, that being a guy. There is a comfort for me, to confide in a guy, having both a friend and a companion. They seem to be synonymous with each other. At least for me, as friendships in my life seem to be a rare commodity. I guess I have been focusing on the wrong relationships. I tend to put my all in relationships that never seem to last, while I allow friendships fall at the waistline. Why do I allow that? It seems like it should be reverse. It should be that guys come and go, as they clearly do, while friendships remain. At least that is how the quote goes; however I seem to rebel against it for no particular reason.
I guess this is why I am going to talk to someone. I have allow my relationships be my friendships and therapists. Poor things, they never knew what was coming when they met me. I just feel as though one person could truly change my world and always seem to believe that is the case with every guy that I meet, that this is it. He is the one! I could just blame the countless movies and books that I have devoured over the years. I feel a slight bit of jealously when I see girls my age engaged or married. What is so special about that? I have no idea, but I want to sign up for that, I want to be that! I feel as though some people are meant to have one significant choice in their lives, whether it’s marriage, career or travel, you can only pick one. Why have I allowed love to change my life in so many different directions? Granted, most have been a good journey in my life, but why? It always ends up being a “why” for me. Will I ever know why I believe that love is all you need? Have I really been brainwashed by the Beatles in believing such a simple statement?
Perhaps, it’s my way of not dealing with myself. It’s evident no one wants to deal with me, not even myself! There has got to be something terrible about that, when I don’t want to deal with myself and no one else has. I try not to think too deeply about it, I really do. But I find myself just “wasting time” as I wait until I hear or do something with that person. Why do I allow that to occur? I thought I enjoyed my me time, but instead it feels like a punishment. How can I change my thinking to understand that it’s quite healthy and stable to do so. It’s not a bad thing to do so. It’s actually something that should be done.
I don’t want to assume, but I just know that it’s already over. I thought I did everything right this time around, I thought I was good in knowing that being overly bearing is not a good thing. Not all guys want that kind of maternal figure as their girlfriend. I know I still need to work on the space thing, but I actually did well without causing fights. There haven’t been any fights in a long time. It could really, truly just be him. He just doesn’t want to be in a relationship and I need to respect that. I also do not want to get hurt. But to move on, I guess you have to get hurt. I guess that’s part of being alive, to feel things. The process of it all is to go through experiences, to see how you survive, to be a better you in the long run because of it.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. Great Adele, what an amazing lyricists who knows what she is talking about. I wish I had that ability to write beautiful lyrics such as hers. I will get there, soon. I just need to write all the time, if I have to. I just need to do things for myself, which seems to be a hard thing for me to do for myself. Which makes this entry become full circle. I don’t want to be alone to deal with myself. I rather be distracted with thoughts of someone else. That’s just who I am. I cannot deny that any longer. There is no point. It’s who I am. ME.
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