Patience.

The sounds of the birds chirping as the sun shone through the window. There were no spot in the small room untouched by this bright sunshine. It was nearing the end of the month; upon us was summer, where the hot months are often spent indoor due to the humidity and blasting sun. All my favorite things surrounded me: my drawing pencils, paper, a book, my cat, Penny Lane. Could I have asked for anything better? I doubted it as I was starting to embrace the tender moments of the peaceful tranquility of my solitude. No longer was afraid of those moments alone, but instead cherished them as if they were my last. I have come a long way since the days of feeling torture or being punished by having these moments. The quietness of the room instills me a sense of relaxation and being at peace. There were no worries or doubts in this room, they were all hanging outside of the door, in hopes that they could attack me once I open the door, but no longer will I be threaten by my alone time. Why should I? People wish for those moments to have a little time for themselves. I, for one would not trade that time for anything. Before I practically was giving it away, but now, it has all changed. I feel more inspired and motivated. I want to do it all, if possible. A whole day of opportunity excites me, the ability to do something creative without worrying of getting disappointed in the end. It is not possible in my eyes. Everything that I do has purpose, has a meaning. I may not have the definite meaning at that time, but it will come, as most good things come to those who wait.

My patience has grown tremulously and has even astonished myself in the process. For as long as I can remember, I was a very impatient person, through and through. I fully never enjoyed the journey but wanted to reach the destination and onto the next one and the next.  I never embraced the experiences that were right in front of me, and now I look back and ponder the wonderings of what really happened, as I was too far gone in the future to understand the present. I just needed to, essentially, slow down. It was that simple, but because I always been difficult, it took me a long long time to get to that point in which I could fully understand the purpose of slowing down. I could fully see things for what they were instead of trying to comprehend after the fact. There was a lot of good benefits in slowing down and I’m sure why I favored the living life too fast aspect of my life so greatly. All it takes is a little patience.

L-I-V-I-N-G

There is so much I want to do in life. But then again, doesn't everybody feel this way? Yet I guess you would hope that people would want to get the most out of their life. I look at my aunt and uncle, for example. They had only one child, a girl who is my age and out of the house. For as long as I remember, they never took any vacations except to down the shore. They never went in our big family vacations down the shore, not they went alone. They never ventured outside of the tri-state area, as my uncle is afraid of driving highways. How does one truly live this way? Never experiencing all that is out there. Going across country or traveling overseas? Don't they wonder the many cultures around them? Do they regret not being able to do it? Are they truly satisfied with the day in and day out, same predictable routine that has been going on for decades? I guess we ultimately choose our own destiny.

I realize that this year was going to be different. My past few years have been nothing short of predictable themselves. For once, I want to live out my dreams, make them a reality. I deem this year as the "Year of Fun." And so far, I think I have accomplished a lot. But I want it to go further than year, I want to constantly be looking for adventures and embracing every experience, good or bad, into my life. Life is truly too short and I don't want to waste with a predictable routine, sure it's safe but it's not living. I'm a big dreamer and for the longest time, I just dreamt. Never fully taking the step to doing something about these dreams. But with the way things have been going for me, I am truly happy with myself, first and happy with my situation. Of course things could come in my direction and change everything in an instant, but I think I'm more prepare and ready to deal than allowing it to stop everything I'm doing. No more will I allow anything to stop me from truly living. Nothing. :)

Life.

Life. So much can be said about it in the short twenty-six years that I have been roaming the world. Although I wouldn’t say that roaming is the best word as I have barely migrated from my hometown, let alone my parents. See, that’s my problem right now. I have never lived alone or outside of my family’s home. As I lean towards turning twenty-seven, it’s high time that I change that lifestyle, by moving out. It’s more than just because of my age, but rather my mentality. In order for growth to occur in life, you have to spread your wings and I haven’t done that yet. I feel as though there has never been any room or I come up with some excuse due to the comfort zone that I have within my limits here at the house.

Although the times are truly changing, we are living in a brand new world. A generation in which we no longer move out at the age of eighteen because we cannot afford it without having to work three-five jobs to make ends meet. If we wanted to pursue a degree, that leads us further down path of debt with loans that just are outlandish and unfortunately making it even more difficult to move out. There are far too many obstacles to reaching that pivotal moment that others our age decades ago were able to reach in a quicker time. We reach a generation in which uncertainty and indecisive leads the life. There seems to be more limitations in this world in which we are trying to conquer at the same time understand. No one has experience it so thus we are writing the guidelines as we muster through, in hopes to come out on the other side alive. This was something that our parents could not prepare us for; there was no way to know a recession would knock us down a few steps back.

We have the power now to change it all. But where do we even start? Yes, we are still living at home, but we are being smart. We are not running out once the fire of the candles of our 18^th birthday cake go out, but rather realizing the world around us and the challenges that will, unfortunately, set us back a few years before gaining independence. Some have been successful in doing so, so early on and we applaud them. But the collective rest of us are unable to achieve that so early in life. We do not want to find ourselves in a sea of bills with no way to get out. No one wants to be in debt, especially at the impressible years of our twenties.  

Nevertheless, we are here and we are going to show the world that we have ability to change things. The tradition of moving out following high school and college aren’t not as clear as they once were. Instead, we are using what we have learned for a foundation of something even greater.  It is the great unknown for our generation, where the Internet is exposes everything and there truly is nowhere to hide. We are exposed and we cannot do anything about it, at least not yet. Now that we do have the internet, anything is truly possible. 

Admitting the Truth

Hello my name is Mary and I do not like being alone. For the longest time, I felt like that was a weakness or something to deny, but I can’t help myself, it’s who I am! There is a very thin line in which you decide whether you can be proud of something or whether it is just best to deny it. How do we truly decide? How do we know when it’s fine to say, yes this is who I am? Is there ever a deciding factor in our life, or an a-ha moment in which we say that we cannot change how we feel? Does it involve that much? I can’t really say but I do know what I enjoy, which is being around someone, that being a guy. There is a comfort for me, to confide in a guy, having both a friend and a companion. They seem to be synonymous with each other. At least for me, as friendships in my life seem to be a rare commodity. I guess I have been focusing on the wrong relationships. I tend to put my all in relationships that never seem to last, while I allow friendships fall at the waistline. Why do I allow that? It seems like it should be reverse. It should be that guys come and go, as they clearly do, while friendships remain. At least that is how the quote goes; however I seem to rebel against it for no particular reason.

I guess this is why I am going to talk to someone. I have allow my relationships be my friendships and therapists. Poor things, they never knew what was coming when they met me. I just feel as though one person could truly change my world and always seem to believe that is the case with every guy that I meet, that this is it. He is the one! I could just blame the countless movies and books that I have devoured over the years. I feel a slight bit of jealously when I see girls my age engaged or married. What is so special about that? I have no idea, but I want to sign up for that, I want to be that! I feel as though some people are meant to have one significant choice in their lives, whether it’s marriage, career or travel, you can only pick one. Why have I allowed love to change my life in so many different directions? Granted, most have been a good journey in my life, but why? It always ends up being a “why” for me. Will I ever know why I believe that love is all you need? Have I really been brainwashed by the Beatles in believing such a simple statement?  

Perhaps, it’s my way of not dealing with myself. It’s evident no one wants to deal with me, not even myself! There has got to be something terrible about that, when I don’t want to deal with myself and no one else has. I try not to think too deeply about it, I really do. But I find myself just “wasting time” as I wait until I hear or do something with that person. Why do I allow that to occur? I thought I enjoyed my me time, but instead it feels like a punishment. How can I change my thinking to understand that it’s quite healthy and stable to do so. It’s not a bad thing to do so. It’s actually something that should be done.

I don’t want to assume, but I just know that it’s already over.  I thought I did everything right this time around, I thought I was good in knowing that being overly bearing is not a good thing. Not all guys want that kind of maternal figure as their girlfriend. I know I still need to work on the space thing, but I actually did well without causing fights. There haven’t been any fights in a long time. It could really, truly just be him. He just doesn’t want to be in a relationship and I need to respect that. I also do not want to get hurt. But to move on, I guess you have to get hurt. I guess that’s part of being alive, to feel things. The process of it all is to go through experiences, to see how you survive, to be a better you in the long run because of it.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. Great Adele, what an amazing lyricists who knows what she is talking about. I wish I had that ability to write beautiful lyrics such as hers. I will get there, soon. I just need to write all the time, if I have to. I just need to do things for myself, which seems to be a hard thing for me to do for myself. Which makes this entry become full circle. I don’t want to be alone to deal with myself. I rather be distracted with thoughts of someone else. That’s just who I am. I cannot deny that any longer. There is no point. It’s who I am. ME.